Have you ever wondered if there are times when God just doesn't know what to do with us? I know that He is God and is perfect, but in my finite, human brain I just have to wonder if He ever just shakes His head and says "Why didn't I stop with the animals?" As a parent, I know (albeit in a very miniscule way) how God feels about His children. He desperately loves us to distraction as I do my children. But tonight I found myself staring at my kids completely clueless as to what I needed to do next. They had just broken one of the Ten Commandments of the law of Hochstetler (Thou shalt not scream at thy siblings and call down all manner of curses on their heads). Yea, that one! (I know that there are those of you whose children would never dare speak an unkind word to their sibling, so this is just for us loser parents, okay?) I called a family meeting which consisted of me sitting on my bed facing them as they lined up against the wall. All manner of words and phrases and examples and motherly verbage were flying around in my head just waiting to be flung at my children who sat staring at me as if to say, "what big word is she going to use this time, and whose turn is it to look it up?" I prepared to launch a verbal attack that would leave them begging for mercy when it suddenly hit me. I had absolutely nothing to say. And I was sad. I was sad because I was disappointed. I was disappointed that they had felt the need to hurt each other with words and had counted the cost to be worth it. I was sad that maybe they had learned it from me. I was truly clueless on what consequence would be necessary to get them to understand the irreparable damage that is caused by words that we hurl at each other. Is that how He feels when we hurt each other? Sad? If I truly saw you as God's child, would I treat you differently? If my children truly knew how I felt about them, would they hurt each other knowing the pain it would cause me? Matthew 22:37-39 says, "He said to him, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important commandment. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." Enough said!

In His Grace and Mercy

Did you know that a chocolate chocolate chip muffin is not very good for you at 10:00 at night? Did you know that it goes straight to your butt? Did you know that at this very moment I could care less and just inhaled the second one in as many minutes? And I even had 2 glasses of milk and it was 2% (not skim). 2 seems to be my lucky number this evening. I believe I am sportin' a bit of an attitude tonight. Maybe it's because I am so blessed tired that I can't see straight. Maybe it's because that in the past 24 hrs.I drove home from Louisville, kissed my husband goodbye again (business trip) til Thursday, had family here til midnight (completely enjoyed it and wished they could have stayed), cleaned a house (not mine), dealt with two (there's that number again) sick children, mowed the lawn (just meant to pull weeds), and felt guilty because my 16 yr. old went to work and I didn't get to watch the promised movie with my 8 yr. old. Maybe that's why I'm a little "irritable" tonight. June Cleaver better stay far away this night! Not in the mood for the Prov. 31 woman, not in the least. But you know what? I have a feeling I am not alone. I think I just heard an "Amen, sister!" We are tired, aren't we? We are tired of doing it all. I try very hard to be real in this blog. So may I ask an extremely profound question? Who asked you to do it all? Who asked you to be June Cleaver or the Proverbs 31 woman? Did you know that Proverbs 31 is just a guide to what the perfect woman would be. I don't know if you have read scripture lately, but it is full of very imperfect people God used to change the world for Him. He used a murderer to lead His people out of Egypt. He used an adulterer to lead His people and even called him a "man after His own heart." There is even a harlot in the lineage of God's own Son, Jesus Christ. So why do we feel such guilt and weariness when we can't finish it all? Is it as easy as changing my attitude about me? You know, I had the best time in Louisville with my family, and I have a husband who loves me and God has blessed with a great job! I get to stay home with sick children and hopefully there will be a tomorrow to watch the movie with my sweet boy. Maybe I am blessed (pronounced bless-ed for you Yankees) tired, but I am also very blessed. Except for that 2nd chocolate chocolate chip muffin that has now found it's home in my ever widening butt!

In His Grace and Mercy...

Let it rain!

I have never heard such a racquet in my life! And I am not even talking about my kids! I have to say it was just a little freaky. The noise was so loud and so prevalent that I literally stopped in my tracks with mouth hanging open (which I know is a favorite stance of mine) and just stood there listening! It was as if all of creation was in my backyard and they had all let forth with one kind of noise or another! I don't know if I have ever heard birds sing so loudly or squirrels chatter so feverishly! Do worms make noise, because I think they were talking too! Why were they all voicing their opinions in such a pandomonious way? Quite simply, it had rained. It has been so hot and so dry and so miserable here in Murfreesboro! We have not seen this kind of drought in many years. Then it rained. Have I ever heard praise in such pure fashion? Have I ever praised my heavenly Father with such fervor? Now I know many of you are thinking, "Come on Shellie. They are just animals!" Psalms 150:6 says,"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!" Well, these little ones had breath enough to sing out their praise to Him for the precious life sustaining water He had given to them on this hot summer day. It puts me to shame when I think of the times I had opportunity to worship our Creator, and I was more concerned about what the people around me were thinking than if my Jesus was pleased with my worship. Do I even take advantage of the simple things to remember to praise Him. It is easy to worship when He has done great things in our life. But do we praise Him in the rain? Do we praise Him in the storm? Can He even hear us above the birds and squirrels?

I think it's time for a little rain!

In His Grace and Mercy

This is Kristin(right) with her friend Lindsey(left)

Don't you get tired of hearing other people talk about their children, extoling the wonderful virtues that you know just can't be true? May I just take a few moments to brag, extol if you will? I couldn't be prouder of my daughter, Kristin. You see, she is on a mission trip this week to a camp in Missouri called Camp Barnabas. It is a camp for special needs children. Kristin is a counselor this week. She is with a little girl that she takes care of 24/7 that is high functioning autistc. Kristin has a huge heart for special needs kids! But I think this has been harder than she thought it would be. You see, Kristin has only ever been responsible for Kristin. God is stretching my baby girl. He has asked her to not only step out of her comfort zone, but also to rely on Him alone. It astounds me that I have such a sweet hearted daughter, but I am understanding that it took just as much courage as anything. Like most teenagers, Kristin hates to be outside of her world of "Kristin". That world consists of Lindsey, and Lana, and play practice, and texting her numerous other friends, and church, and on, and on, and on. But this week, Kristin stepped so far outside of her "bubble" that it required courage from somewhere other than herself. She has had to rely on her Lord, because He is literally the only one she knows at this camp. I don't know about you, but when God asks me to trust Him with my comfort zone, I get very nervous. Why? Because maybe I'm not as brave as I would like to think I am. Maybe my 16 year old is showing her mother what it is to be scared but brave. Without fear, there can't be any courage. But often, we don't get beyond the fear. My Kristin is going beyond her fear and learning that there is more to her than she thought. She is learning that the waves aren't as scary and that the thunder is not as loud when you can claim the One who calms the storms. It was hard to hear her struggle with tears when she called today. But I would rather she learn to trust Him at 16 years of age than to be 30 and still not know how to see Him through the storm.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

Every so often, I get to watch my 1yr.old nephew, Mason, for my brother and his wife. Today was such a day. We always have great fun together. I get to relearn how to make all of the funny faces and weird noises (which we should never forget), and he gets to figure out where all of the places are that are not baby proofed (which are more numerous than I ever knew). A good friend of mine called during a quiet moment ( she has 3 kids which include two very active preschool boys), and we were discussing the uncanny abilities of toddlers. I was bemoaning the fact that I still had dishes in the sink, crumbs on the counter, and pajamas along with fuzzy robe still on my body and it was already 8:30 in the morning! That is when I noticed the silence on the other end of the phone. And this was the ensuing conversation. “Janece, are you still there?” Silence, and then, “Shellie, I can’t believe it but you have really forgotten!” she said. What was she talking about? What had I forgotten? “Forgotten what?” I asked. Then my sweet friend, Janece, who I can always count on to tell like it is, did. “You, with your 4 kids, have actually forgotten the world of preschool moms. Don’t you remember what it was like to have a list a mile long only to walk aimlessly in circles with a little one trailing you singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round’ at the top of their voice? Don’t you remember never quite finishing anything, because you were never sure you started it in the first place? How could you have forgotten?” Did I really forget? Have I allowed those hard lessons to fade away into the drama of school age children? I do remember having mascara on only one eye! I do remember that spot from baby “goo” on my left shoulder that never quite came clean. And I definitely remember the loneliness of days spent with humans that needed a translator, and I was it! Do you feel alone? Have the ones who should understand, forgotten? I remember so many times feeling that my house would never be clean again, or the laundry would never get done. Would I ever look, feel, or even smell like a woman again. There were days that I swore if someone touched me or pulled at me or called my name one more time, I was going to snatch that very person bald headed! Most of the time, I was just tearing out my own hair! But I also must remember the ice cream kisses and the “You’re the best mommy in the whole world!”cards. I must remember that sticky hand that firmly held mine when we walked into their class on that first day of school. Maybe it was my hand that was firmly holding theirs for fear that they would let go too soon. (Can I tell you that, in my opinion, they did!) How can I forget the rainy days that I actually let them outside to play in the rain and the joy that literally shined from their faces on the cloudiest of days. Talk about His blessings raining down!
Janece was right this morning when she pointed out most sincerely that I had forgotten. The worst thing we can ever do is to forget to remember. We must remember those days of toddlerhood so that we can appreciate the teenage years. We must remember those seemingly endless days of loneliness so that we can be there for a mom who is living our yesterdays. For those of you whose children are older, find a young mother and babysit while she goes to the store alone. Or better yet, pick up her little ones while she stays home and does whatever she wants! For those of you with young children, please don’t ever feel ashamed or defeated because you can’t do it all. God called you to be a mother. Do it well, do it in His strength, because I promise there will come a time when you might just forget. Believe it or not!

In His Grace and Mercy

Mom or Marine Biologist?

Why didn't I decide to become a Marine biologist or a professional whitewater rapids guide? I could have at least considered the field of archeology or even horticulture. What possessed me to think I could ever be qualified to be a mother, much less the mother of teenagers. Nobody told me they turned into teenagers! Shouldn't that be something talked about in premarital counseling when you discuss family stuff? I'm feeling a little desperate here. Anyone have a paper bag? I have to tell you that there is not a compass to be found to help navigate the turbulent waters of hormones or even a decent map to guide you along the uneven terrain of emotions. You think being in the dark, standing on a cliff, or even facing a spider will terrify you? Try walking into a teenagers bedroom unannounced. The smell itself will make you scream like a girl (or a mad momma). Can anyone say "Corn chips"? What made me think I could translate "teen talk" into English? Did you know that dating isn't even a word anymore. It's called "talking". "Hola" means call me later. And "Jola" means whatever. And I can't even get into the whole thing of text messaging. I'm just here to tell you that we have a whole generation of carpal tunnel syndrome just waiting to happen. Did you know that those sweet babies actually grow into these teenagers faster than the speed of light. Or at least faster than I did. Right, Mom? I know that if you are reading this blog right now and you have little ones, you think that I am full of bologna. I remember thinking that it would be easier if they were just a little older. Please forgive me while I hold my sides as I laugh hysterically. Physically easier, yes, emotionally easier , no way!

Thankyou for allowing me to get all of that off my chest. Every so often it's okay to let yourself go a little "Linda Blair" on a subject. But through all of the tearing out the hair stage (mine not theirs, mostly) I'm learning a most amazing thing. I'm learning how God can love us in spite of us. I'm learning that as I try to grow (and mess up considerably) I become even more precious to Him. You see, I am watching my two oldest kids become adults before my very eyes, and they become more precious every day. Teenagers are quite remarkable creatures. They so desperately want their independence, and yet when no one is looking they curl up next to you and share some incredible insights or just silly laughs. Those are precious times that I will hold close to my heart long after they have been blessed with their own homes and families. I guess teenagers aren't as scary as I thought they would be. They are actually quite fun, and terribly witty when the mood strikes. And they do have some moods! You know, now that I think about it, I guess I wasn't called to be a Marine biologist or any of those other things. I was called to be a mom. And in Romans 11:29 it says that God's gift and His call are irrevocable. Sounds like I am in this for the long haul. I would call that blessed.

Excuse me while I go peek in bedrooms one more time before my eyes close in rest. Don't worry, I'll put the trusty noseguard on first (that's a clothespin for all of you novices). Did I mention their feet?

In His Grace and Mercy

Worth

I sit here in my quiet house grateful , but a little lonely. My two oldest kids are at play practice. Kristin (16) and Alex (14) will be performing in "High School Musical" with a local theater. I am so excited for them, but they are gone many nights during the week. My two youngest, Maddy (9) and Chase (8), are outside on this glorious albeit muggy May evening playing with numerous friends, you can be sure. Tough life they have, huh? My husband, Kevin (no age given :), is away on business. Sooo, it's kinda quiet. I don't like it. Not even a little. The quiet is much louder than the noise. The quiet gives my thoughts room to be heard. Isn't that why we stay so busy? So that we don't have to face our thoughts? What are your thoughts? Have you heard them lately? Often my thoughts are full of self recriminations about all the things I should have done or should be doing. I came ear to heart this last weekend. That's kinda like face to face except much more honest. When you come "ear to heart", it means you are listening to what your heart is saying and not what your head is saying. It kinda hurts but it also heals. I've been a stay at home mom since before my oldest was born. That was 17 years ago this next month. What else am I? I don't have a "job", or a portfolio, or a resume, or even a marketable asset. To put it plainly, if I were a house there wouldn't be much equity in me! But I realized in my "ear to heart" epiphany, that my worth is not in who I am, but who He has made me to be. You see, I will always be a mom to my 4 precious kids (whether they claim me or not). I will always be a wife to my sweet Kevin as long as the Lord allows. But my time of hearing the kids run through the house calling my name, asking for something else to eat yet again is quickly drawing to a close. I have more quiet time than noisy time now. I can sit for a length of time and actually not have to get up. I can even take a complete shower without having an indepth conversation with whoever happens to be on the other side of the curtain. I wish somebody would call my name. I would love to sing "Hush Little Baby" to soothe fears one more time. But you see, all of those memories and experiences were gifts. My children were gifts. My husband is a gift, but my Jesus is my worth. I have never received a gift at Christmas or my birthday that determined what my worth was. These gifts from my heavenly Father do not determine my worth to Him. They are just gifts of His love for me. My worth was determined the day He gave me His Son. So for all of you who question whether or not you have any worth, don't look at your circumstances. Look at His ultimate Gift to you and decide if you have worth.

In His Grace and Mercy...

Confession

My sweet baby Chase!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be able to react correctly every time? Isn't that an odd thought? To know that no matter what came my way, I would be able to react in a righteous way. To react in a way that would honor God every time. Wouldn't that be amazing?! Just recently my youngest child, Chase, who is 8yrs. old, has gone through a period when he felt the need to confess everything from picking his nose to where he was in his thought life regarding "specific" words, and his thoughts concerning me when he was in trouble (I have to tell you, they weren't pretty). I thought we were past this blessed time until he started confessing everything to me again just in the last week. When I say everything, I'm not kidding. My friends, April and Bobby, know to what lengths my Chase will go to clear his conscience. Just tonight, he "confessed" to me that he felt guilty about putting chips on his sandwich at lunch today. You see there is a rule at his school that you can't play with your food. He was afraid that he was breaking that rule. And yet he still chose to do it. I asked him why he feels the need to confess all sin to me, and he said something profound that only a child of 8 could grasp. He said, "It just makes my heart feel better." How many times have I confessed to Jesus areas I thought I had really messed up? How many times was my reason to "make my heart feel better"? Instead, what if I confessed in order to change my heart, not just make it feel better. Would that change lead to different reactions? Would that change allow me to react in a righteous way, when things go wrong? John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." So if we confess, the unrighteousness will be washed away which leaves us with the ability to react in a righteous way. Sounds like grace to me. Maybe that is what I need to tell Chase. Maybe I need to tell him a little more about grace and that it is not just his sister's middle name. Hmm, I guess it just might be possible to react righteously.

In His Grace and Mercy...

Whew!

What a day, week, month. Take your pick. It all seemed to be a grand struggle. Doesn't it seem that when God is blessing so greatly, Satan just has to come up and ruin it. It's like a spoiled kid who can't stand that your sand castle is bigger than his, and he just runs over and knocks it over. Many of you know and some of you don't that we are in the middle of praying through a ministry change. We have seen God's hand move so obviously in the last couple of months. It has truly been one of the most exciting times of my life, and yet so many things have happened to take our focus off of where we need to be. It's all been doable up until Sunday. You know what I mean by "doable".. (in my own power, by myself, without help). Any one of those things will do. I have a great "I can fix it myself" attitude with those lovely doable things in my life. But I really stink at "Lord, please fix it the way you want to" attitude. We were doing what we were supposed to be doing Sunday, We were going to church. We were even sitting in the turning lane to enter the parking lot at church. And then time slowed way down to an almost imperceptible crawl when we saw what was coming. There is something surreal about seeing another car coming straight for you. How do you fix that? How do I put that one in my "doable" file? Not possible. I knew when I heard my husband yell out loud, "STOP!!!" that this one was definitley out of my hands. But for some reason I did not have the clarity of mind to sing out "Jesus take the wheel". All I could do was pray for the next breath. Beg God for the safety of my children who were sitting in the back seats of our minivan. Hope that it would all be over soon. It was. By the time the dust and glass and plastic settled, there were three cars that had to be towed away. Two ambulances, two firetrucks, and three police cars later we were all astounded that no one was even hurt. Sore, but not hurt. Praise His name. It looked like a deadly accident, but by God's grace we all walked away shaky maybe but walking nontheless. I think I have redefined the word "doable" in my vocabulary now. Doable doesn't mean in my own power now. It means that in my own power I will choose to use His power.

In His Grace and Mercy.....

Well, here goes my first attempt at being computer savvy. I have a feeling if I mess it up too bad my sweet friend, Tracie, will fix it. :O) “Blogging” is a new word in my vocabulary now. I have to admit that I am just a tad bit excited about it though. I always get excited about God’s imagination, and I have a feeling that He is going to do something really cool with this!

My family consists of a loving husband and 4 kids and for the last 17 years I have been a stay~at~home mom. This is the obvious about me. I need to tell you, however, who I really am beyond the obvious. I am a woman who has failed many times personally, relationally, and spiritually but I am also a woman who has seen my precious Lord tenderly heal my broken heart. I can tell you that my marriage almost ended 8 years ago, although you definitely would never have known it unless I specifically told you. You see, I was raised in church, I lived by the rules, I loved God, and nothing truly bad should happen if I did those things. Right? I was not about to let anyone see the pain and fear behind my meticulously crafted mask. That is until I realized that the One who could already see past that mask was really the only One I had. There is something quite humbling to know that the Creator of this universe takes the time to meet with and to “fully know me” as often as I will allow Him. It was during this time that I realized that playing Christian and being Christ-like were two very different things. It was then that I realized it was time for me to wake up and take my walk with Christ very seriously, because if I didn’t who would? Who would fight for my marriage if not I? Who would teach my children to fall desperately in love with Him if not me? Who would let this world know that there is a wonderful thing called “living” instead of just existing? The mask is easy, but being real is hard. Existing is easy, living life in Him is hard. But which do you think is priceless? Which do believe is worth every moment?

I had a wonderful thing happen this last weekend. I got to meet women who were as desperate for Jesus to reveal His love for them as I am. I had the great honor of speaking at a conference in Clifton, TN at First Baptist. The only thing I could say about this weekend is that God was absolutely there and He showed Himself to be enough! He was enough to get past some thick walls. He was enough to get beyond limited expectations (especially on my part). He was even enough to cause the tears to fall and hearts to hope one more time. Praise Him that He absolutely can be enough.

Ladies from Clifton, thank you for being so gracious and loving to me even though you didn’t know me. I feel as if God has gifted me with a “big ole” family of sisters. Know that you are blessed to have a Godly woman like Julie to love and lead you, girls! I will be praying that you allow God to keep that flame burning that He so obviously started this weekend. Remember, He is your portion and He is enough!

God is soooo good!